It's been five years since I had a drink but that doesn't mean that my first thought after a shitty day isn't "I could really use a glass of whiskey". But see, that's the problem. Who drinks a GLASS of whiskey & anyway, it wouldn't be just one. I would drink until I blacked out & then I would keep drinking. I'm a drunk so I don't drink. But then what? How do I get over this ridiculously terrible day? Maybe go to a meeting? Maybe come home & write a blog entry to process these intense feelings of sadness & a longing to obliterate those feelings? Yes, that one.
So here I am, writing this post (for a second time because somehow I managed to delete the entire thing). This photo from Niagara Falls is my favorite photo of me. There's a railing separating me & the falls but there's nothing stopping me from climbing over that railing & diving in. This photo is basically my addiction & recovery. Total oblivion is so close but it's up to me to stay where I am, to appreciate the beauty of life from this side of the railing.
I sit in my car & I cry because the sadness, the loneliness, it's all so palpable. It's an ugly cry, the kind of cry that happens when you watch My Girl or Steel Magnolias. I settle down long enough to make the drive home to a quiet house. I don't have a spouse or children, just a laundry list of bad decisions & a dog. I recently took in a foster cat who gave birth to seven kittens under my bathroom sink. I tend to all the animals, do the dishes I've been ignoring for days & then sit down to process all of these feelings. I'm not ever ashamed of being in recovery. I don't hide the fact that I have a dangerous & unhealthy relationship with alcohol, if anything it's the opposite. I am consumed by this existence & let my sobriety dictate how I live my life because the view from up here is so much more beautiful than on the other side of that railing & writing this helps me remember that. Writing helps me maintain a healthy perspective on life because bad days happen, even when you're sober. People will be shitty to you & things won't always go your way but none of that means you need to compromise your decision to live a good life. But part of that good life is being honest to yourself & recognizing when you are struggling & being ok with letting people around you know you need some help. This is my way of doing that. This is my postcard from Niagara Falls to you, reminding you just how beautiful the view is.
So here I am, writing this post (for a second time because somehow I managed to delete the entire thing). This photo from Niagara Falls is my favorite photo of me. There's a railing separating me & the falls but there's nothing stopping me from climbing over that railing & diving in. This photo is basically my addiction & recovery. Total oblivion is so close but it's up to me to stay where I am, to appreciate the beauty of life from this side of the railing.
I sit in my car & I cry because the sadness, the loneliness, it's all so palpable. It's an ugly cry, the kind of cry that happens when you watch My Girl or Steel Magnolias. I settle down long enough to make the drive home to a quiet house. I don't have a spouse or children, just a laundry list of bad decisions & a dog. I recently took in a foster cat who gave birth to seven kittens under my bathroom sink. I tend to all the animals, do the dishes I've been ignoring for days & then sit down to process all of these feelings. I'm not ever ashamed of being in recovery. I don't hide the fact that I have a dangerous & unhealthy relationship with alcohol, if anything it's the opposite. I am consumed by this existence & let my sobriety dictate how I live my life because the view from up here is so much more beautiful than on the other side of that railing & writing this helps me remember that. Writing helps me maintain a healthy perspective on life because bad days happen, even when you're sober. People will be shitty to you & things won't always go your way but none of that means you need to compromise your decision to live a good life. But part of that good life is being honest to yourself & recognizing when you are struggling & being ok with letting people around you know you need some help. This is my way of doing that. This is my postcard from Niagara Falls to you, reminding you just how beautiful the view is.
