Last week I spent my mornings mentoring a group of girls between the ages of 8 and 11 at Little Bellas, a mountain bike camp for girls which took place at Lake Nockamixon. It was by far, the coolest thing I've done all summer. Little Bellas was started by Lea and Sabra Davison, two sisters from Vermont who fell in love with cycling at a young age and fellow cycling enthusiast, Angela Irvine. The program was created to "help young women realize their potential through cycling", something that I've experienced this past year and half since I started riding bikes. I got involved because I wanted to be a part of that journey for other girls. 

We spent the week riding the trails at Nox working on becoming more confident riders, supporting each other through teamwork and encouragement, and creating friendships that will hopefully last a long time. We played games and ate snacks. We sang songs and learned the different parts of our bikes. The entire week I woke up excited for camp. I woke up excited that I got to ride my bike with other girls who were psyched on bikes.

These young women had varying levels of abilities. The first day I was placed with three of the younger girls, the girls who were a little more nervous about riding trails, the girls that reminded me of myself. Over the course of five days I watched those three girls improve more than I could have ever imagined. A girl who was afraid to ride across a creek crossing on day one was riding log-overs by day five. A girl who was falling off her bike every twenty feet on day one was leading a large group ride on day five. A girl who stopped to walk across any section of trail that wasn't flat on day one was riding across a wooden bridge on day five. It was incredible to witness, to be a part of. To watch the confidence of these young ladies grow as they became more comfortable on their bikes and with each other made waking up before the sun totally worth it.  

Programs like Little Bellas are so important to help young girls see that they are capable of incredible things, things that they may be hesistant to try simply out of fear or self-doubt. To work with these girls in a constructive environment and see them achieve goals they set each morning was a gift. I hope to continue being involved in the Little Bellas program and hope you'll consider it too. Be prepared to spend an entire week being totally stoked! (Also, I may have got teary eyed more than once.) Thanks to Lisa at Cutters in Bethlehem for making camp happen and thank you to the fine folks at Fitness Central Bike Shop in Schnecksville for hooking me up with a sick bike for the week so I could keep up with these little rippers. The bike community in the Lehigh Valley & Upper Bucks has proven to be some of the best people.

Before I start this blog post I just want you to know I wrote something really smart, totally witty & then somehow managed to delete it before saving any of it & that honestly sums up everything I was trying to say here.

The covered bridge by my house is named "Moods". Nothing has ever made more sense. Originally built in 1874, Moods was destroyed in 2004 by an act of arson after being hit by a truck twice, once in 1993 & again a few months before the fire. It took three years for it to be rebuilt & reopened to the public with a piece of the original truss built into the new bridge. Now it's one of the most used covered bridges in the county. I've never related to anything as much as I do this bridge. Stay with me...

In the years since I got sober I've had more bad days then I would like to count. But I can remember them because I wasn't just reaching for a bottle when shit got tough. Like my bad days aren't triggers for booze anymore or they are but I know how to get through it. My bad days are bad days like regular people have but unlike people who aren't in recovery, a bad day is always a test of my willpower. So, I do just that, power through them. Even when a bad day lingers on for days at a time.

Today is one of those days. Today has me silently melting into a pile of self-pity, a pity party for one. But as I slowly melt I also decide to do something about it that is productive, like write this. I also reach for my recovery app to read inspiring stories of other's abilities to carry on. I am gripping my phone tight as I text the people in my life who love me the most, who will tell me I am the shining gemstone I know I am on days when I'm not confusing myself for a pile of trash. 

I know I have worth & purpose but today is one of those days where I can't seem to pinpoint either & therefore they must not exist. I am MOODS. I am sad & overwhelmed, confused & stressed out. I am unsure of everything in my life but I know I'm ready to make BIG CHANGES. I am ready to rebuild. But I'm also a total chicken shit & I am deathly afraid of making the mistakes that got me to the place I was before I quit boozing. I don't want to ruin the perceived successful life I have crafted, the life that is ok when I'm not MOODS. But those days where things seem ok are becoming increasingly further & further apart. My complaints aren't life threatening. I know there is war & hunger & fucked up things happening in the world. My problems are trivial in comparison but they are still MY PROBLEMS. So I try to keep perspective & remember that bad days happen & they don't have to be the end of the world or the end of my recovery. I can be MOODS without burning it all down.