The covered bridge by my house is named "Moods". Nothing has ever made more sense. Originally built in 1874, Moods was destroyed in 2004 by an act of arson after being hit by a truck twice, once in 1993 & again a few months before the fire. It took three years for it to be rebuilt & reopened to the public with a piece of the original truss built into the new bridge. Now it's one of the most used covered bridges in the county. I've never related to anything as much as I do this bridge. Stay with me...
In the years since I got sober I've had more bad days then I would like to count. But I can remember them because I wasn't just reaching for a bottle when shit got tough. Like my bad days aren't triggers for booze anymore or they are but I know how to get through it. My bad days are bad days like regular people have but unlike people who aren't in recovery, a bad day is always a test of my willpower. So, I do just that, power through them. Even when a bad day lingers on for days at a time.
Today is one of those days. Today has me silently melting into a pile of self-pity, a pity party for one. But as I slowly melt I also decide to do something about it that is productive, like write this. I also reach for my recovery app to read inspiring stories of other's abilities to carry on. I am gripping my phone tight as I text the people in my life who love me the most, who will tell me I am the shining gemstone I know I am on days when I'm not confusing myself for a pile of trash.
I know I have worth & purpose but today is one of those days where I can't seem to pinpoint either & therefore they must not exist. I am MOODS. I am sad & overwhelmed, confused & stressed out. I am unsure of everything in my life but I know I'm ready to make BIG CHANGES. I am ready to rebuild. But I'm also a total chicken shit & I am deathly afraid of making the mistakes that got me to the place I was before I quit boozing. I don't want to ruin the perceived successful life I have crafted, the life that is ok when I'm not MOODS. But those days where things seem ok are becoming increasingly further & further apart. My complaints aren't life threatening. I know there is war & hunger & fucked up things happening in the world. My problems are trivial in comparison but they are still MY PROBLEMS. So I try to keep perspective & remember that bad days happen & they don't have to be the end of the world or the end of my recovery. I can be MOODS without burning it all down.